Have you ever dreamt about yourself dying? I mean, one of those dreams where you see the actual moment that you pass away?
I used to think that when you dreamt of yourself dying it meant that you died in real life. As I sit here at 4:45am in my sons nursery feeding him, I can attest to the fact that this is not true.
I had one of the worst dreams last night. I used to have very vivid dreams almost nightly but it hasn’t happened in a long time. I don’t know if it was from the hormones or all the caffeine and supplements I take during the day to battle sleep deprivation, but last night (or is it tonight since it’s in the middle of the night and it basically just happened) was a doozy.
I was out of the country in some place like Germany or The United Arab Emirates with my family. Most of it is a blur but we were in a cottage, barricading the door from some aggressive soldiers that were trying to break in to take someone else that happened to be in the cottage with us. Or so I thought. I was surrounded by my husband and some other friends and we were hiding low against a wall under a window so they couldn’t see us. Somehow the window opened from above, they put their guns through and pointed downward towards me and before we could do anything they shot. It was in the moment that I felt a warm sensation take over me, I lost control of all bodily functions and everything went dark. Before the end I could hear my husband screaming. And just like that the dream was over. To make matters worse my brain decided to jump right into another one, this time about my children.
Again, I can’t remember most of it, except that there was a lunatic killing children in the neighborhood and he got my son.
Why did I dream of such horrors? Some of the imagery in the dreams I recognized from things I had seen during the day yesterday but the core message was just horrible. My worst fears. I realized that that’s all it was; a manifestation of my worst fears.
Sometimes, especially during the late hours of the morning, I sit and think about everything that I have to lose. Don’t get me wrong, I have so many goals and many things I have yet to accomplish, but overall I’m extremely happy in my life. Is this just another thing that comes with motherhood? The constant fear of dying and leaving your children motherless? Or even worse, the fear of losing my children and having to my life without them? You tell me.